verklempt

So those of you who know me and those of you have followed this blog over the last (gasp) seven years know that I am the mother of two young men- one is still technically a teenager so he is on the cusp of childhood/manhood, but the other, graduated from college two weeks ago.

This was a pivotal moment for our family.  Although we will always support him, this is a marker of true independence and adulthood. Twenty two years ago this June we moved into this house.  I was pregnant with him.  The new house, the new baby, our life was full of potential.  Now, I see all of this potential in him as he graduated, the broad open space of his life full of opportunities. Yes, it made me literally weep- many times in the past few weeks- from joy, the overwhelming blessing that he did it and a thousand other emotions.

The beginning for him, while I rejoice and can’t help feel considerable pride, is the end of an era for our little family. Our little house- bursting at the seams last summer, is now much quieter since he has his own place.  Now he comes as a visitor, a very special comfortable one, but still a special occurrence.  The odd random walk, the nearly daily check ins at dinner where we were blessed by the daily details of his life, and unexpected late night talks are now more scheduled and infrequent. I can’t help but miss him. I don’t know what I will do in a few years when his brother leaves.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want him to live here forever or be a child forever.  I loved the changing progression of childhood.  Usually, I am the impatient one to want to move along the path of life.  This one, however, took me off guard. Like all parenting, every step is full of mixed emotions- when the child learns to walk, it is one of the last days he will crawl.  The moment he learns to read, is the entry to the path to last day I will read him a bedtime story.  And when I ran behind him holding his bike- steadying him- it was the first last day until he rode away to Oregon on his own. When he went to school for first day of kindergarten, it is just a first step along the long path until he graduated.  It is true that I can be utterly completely proud and happy- the cup runeth over- but yet a little sad runs through.

So to I will try to bring my messy emotions into one blog of a reasonable length. I can describe what I feel in only one word: verklempt.   Verklempt means choked with emotions: I love how verklempt doesn’t judge those emotions, they are not good or bad, not what I what I supposed to feel or not. Verklempt specifies that they are emotions, not emotion singular.  I envision a river of my emotions- a torrent of joy, pride, and just a few underlying cold currents of sadness.  The dam that I usually can depend on to keep these emotions in check in order to create normal person façade certainly burst at graduation.

In any case, this weekend will be a weekend of contemplation- covered with a layer of everyday chores and of course, sewing. I promise next week to be more like the semi rational person I usually am, that if you only speak to for a few minutes can pull off a fairly average facsimile of a normal 46 year old woman. And next week, I will return to this blog with something new to share- very possibly even relating to sewing.